Fifty Shades of Dreary Boredom



Manuel Ramirez, Staff Writer

Whenever I watch those awful spoof movies (Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, Scary Movie), I feel like I’ve fallen in a puddle of vomit in desperate need of a dozen showers. When it comes to a movie like Fifty Shades Darker, I feel like my soul got lost in an empty abyss. These are films I could care less about and steer clear away, but hey when you write about movies you’re going to have to sit in front of crap in order to explain why its crap in the first place. The story of my life.

I didn’t see the first Fifty Shades movie when it came to theaters, but if I was going to understand the plot (if you can call it that), I watched it the day before viewing the second installment. Turns out I wouldn’t have missed much because it’s all repeated in the sequel! Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) falls for young millionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dorman), she is aware of how he treats her and even after leaving him in the last film, she goes back to him the first minute he’s onscreen with her as the film starts. The entire run-time is just them dating and Grey’s many sex methods; the same story all over again! He admits on multiple occasions that he’s sadist among other things but who cares, he has a gorgeous and sexy body that will excite the ladies including Anastasia who stays as his “submissive” as he calls it. A perfect message for women in this day and age, to submit to a domineering man. Isn’t that adorable?

Love at first sight, more like lust if you ask me, then again this did originate as Twilight fanfiction, so I shouldn’t be that surprised on the dreadful similarities.  If this were set in a Law and Order or Criminal Minds episode Christian Grey would fit the criminal profile. One his former flames reports on him, investigation goes in and good-hearted Anastasia Steele lies for her boyfriend, because if he’s taken away who will spank her when she misbehaves? Oh, the horror.

Problematic elements aside, the film is boring and sleep-inducing just like its predecessor. A little bit of drama is added from Ana’s abusive boss, and a few former flames but it doesn’t elevate the film one bit. In moments when story takes a serious turn it’s unintentionally hilarious. It doesn’t even qualify as a so bad it’s good popcorn movie to the likes of say Batman and Robin where I can view it for a good laugh. Fifty Shades Darker is just plain atrocious with no redeeming qualities. It’s like admitting you watch porn to the public, a thought that’s just unsettling.

Good filmmakers, cinematographers, composers (Why Danny Elfman!?), music and actors wasted on a stupid and creepy premise. I’d rather watch The Space Between Us where abuse isn’t presented as romantic.